Who is Jun?
by whiteswan
Summary: Post-series one shot. Jun's having a little trouble adjusting to civilain life.


Who is Jun?

"Hey Jun, can we get another round over here?"

I wave a quick acknowledgment to the group of mid-week regulars and head over to the bar to fill the order. Jinpei has the night off tonight and it's a good thing that it isn't busy, because I have to admit, my mind isn't exactly on my work tonight. Actually, I've been distracted a lot lately and I know it. And every time someone says my name it only makes things worse.Because I wonder sometimes, who is Jun?

I deliver the round to the table and spend a few minutes talking to the group. They're a friendly bunch, college kids around my age who come in at some point every week for a break from studying for incessant exams. They're always pleasant, never rowdy and I like to chat with them if it's not too busy. But it's more difficult than usual tonight and I respond to their jokes and teasing automatically. I've always had this sense of detachment from them, like someone who's looking in a window when I talk to them. We're the same age and yet so different...

One of the girls brings me back to reality, teasing me about my boyfriend and I glance involuntarily over at the bar where Ken is sitting as usual. They've teased me about this before and I usually deny it, but tonight they've caught me enough off-guard to betray myself. It's gentle teasing, though she does crow a bit that she's finally gotten me to admit to the fact, even though I don't actually say it. I've already given myself away. Instead I respond with a wink, pretending a sauciness I don't really feel. Every plea and pseudo-whine of my name, as the girls plead for 'all the juicy details,' just makes my thoughts whirl more and my distraction worse than before.

I can feel Ken's eyes on me as I clean up and close down the bar after the group leaves. I know that he's noticed the fact that I've been preoccupied lately but is smart enough not to ask any questions. Ever since the war ended and we were officially deactivated, though on semi-permanent stand-by, he and I have been an 'official' couple. He knows me better than anyone else but even with him I've been out of it lately. I know I need to talk to him about this soon but I've been trying to figure it out for myself. I'm not having much luck though.

As I latch the door and drop the blinds I feel his arms wrap around me gently. I lean back against him and look down at his hands at my waist, my own coming up to cover his, and the lack of the bracelets that encircled out wrists for the last eight years of our lives strikes me once again as _wrong_. It's a physical symbol of the confusion I've felt for some time now.

I feel Ken brush a kiss over the top of my hair as he gives me a gentle hug and asks, "Are you alright?" I nod but don't really answer, still preoccupied with the absent bracelets that we should be wearing. He hugs me again then grabs his jacket to head home, a quick meeting of our eyes letting him know that I will follow soon. We're not living together, but we sleep together many nights, though not yet in the biblical sense. We're actually taking things pretty slowly, considering how long we were 'unofficially' together, but I do spend a lot of nights at his place now. We're taking it slow, adjusting to our new lives without complicating things even more for now. It's a comfort to both of us, especially after all the changes in our lives lately.

Ken leaves and I go upstairs to change out of my 'work clothes.' Looking at my closet I find my hand and eyes automatically going for the numbered t-shirt and jeans hanging in a corner and I have to consciously choose something else to wear. As I change from the trendy top and pants that I've taken to wearing in the J and into the jeans and loose top that I've come to prefer in the evenings, I'm struck yet again how different it feels from my old uniform and that it feels like something is missing.

I pick up my keys, check on Jinpei quickly out of old habit and go down to the garage, mounting my bike to head out to Ken's. The bike is one familiar thing left from my old life, as Hakase thought it would be too suspicious if we switched vehicles so soon after the war ended. It'll be replaced eventually and I have mixed feelings about the prospect. But for now, I welcome the familiarity of it.

As I ride, I allow my mind to finally contemplate the idea that has been nagging me for the last few weeks I don't really know who I am anymore. Every time I hear someone say 'Jun' it feels like they're talking to someone else, that it's not really me anymore. I don't feel like Jun anymore; Jun is G3, the Swan, who fights goons, is constantly on the alert, and who had to conceal her feelings for her commanding officer because of regulations. Jun is not this girl I am now who can relax, wear whatever she wants and can embrace her boyfriend whenever she likes without fearing that someone is going to raise hell about it. Jun is a fighter first, a woman second, who runs a bar as a convenient cover identity. Me, I"m allowed to be a female first now and I have so many options open to me; I can go to college, get into a career, take up hobbies not related to my duties, think about starting a family...

I take a turn at a speed that I haven't used since our last battle and realize just how much I miss it in a way. I don't miss the fighting, the killing, the death and destruction, or the constant tension and worry. But ever since we were deactivated, I feel like a huge part of me has disappeared. Training and fighting have been such a huge part of my life for so long that without them, I don't know who I am anymore. And that's a frightening feeling.

I pull into Ken's hanger and pull off my helmet, taking a minute to put my thoughts in order before I go inside. I haven't actually figured anything out yet but Ken's already worried and I don't want to make him even more so. I send a fond glance at his Cessna, another familiar thing in life and go inside.

Ken turns as I enter the room, his senses as sharp as ever and, holding up two DVD cases, gives me a smile, "Action or comedy?"

The movie has been on for a half an hour and I still don't know which one he put in the player. I've been lost in my thoughts again, despite my best efforts to quiet them for a time. A sudden lack of sound brings me back to reality and I find that Ken has paused the movie and is looking at me curiously. His arm slips around my shoulder and I rest my head against him. I can feel his chest rumble under my ear as he asks, "Jun are you alright? You've seemed distracted lately."

I sigh and lean more heavily against him; I guess it's time to talk. "Ken, who am I?"

"What do you mean?" He sounds confused and I suppose I can't blame him. I haven't brought this up before. I do my best to put my thoughts into words.

"Who am I? Ever since things ended I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I don't feel like myself anymore. It's like the part of me that was 'G3, the Swan' was so huge that with her gone I'm someone completely different. And I don't know her at all." I sound like an idiot to my own ears but it's the only way I can describe it. I sigh and close my eyes, "I know, it sounds stupid."

"No, it doesn't." Now that I wasn't expecting. "I don't think it's stupid at all."

"It doesn't?" I can't keep the uncertainty out of my voice and I hate sounding like a child, but his arm just tightens around me reassuringly.

"No koishii, it doesn't. I'm still adjusting to things myself, so I think I understand how you feel. We've been through a lot of changes lately and it's natural to be confused."

I'm quiet for a few minutes, thinking this over. I feel a little bit better knowing that Ken doesn't think I sound foolish but I'm no closer to figuring out how to deal with the missing part of myself. And it's not helping that along with the missing part of me, my old confidence has diminished a lot as well. I'm so uncertain that I don't feel I can trust myself at all.

Ken must sense my uncertainty because he runs a hand through my hair, and he's speaking softly, so I have to listen closely to what he's saying; I wonder if he planned it that way, "Tenchi, you're still you, you haven't changed. Just because we're not fighting anymore doesn't mean that you're different. You're still the woman I fell in love with all those years ago."

I must not have looked like I believed him because he gives me a gentle squeeze and continues, "Have I seemed to change at all since the war ended?"

I sit up straight to look at him, startled by the question. How could he think that? "Of course not! In fact I've been jealous of that, because you haven't, if that makes sense. You haven't seemed to have any trouble adjusting at all. You're the same as you've always been."

And so are you koishii. The part of you that is the Swan hasn't disappeared. The Swan will always be a part of you, just like I'll always be the Eagle. But that part of us doesn't rule our lives anymore. We can do other things now, rather than being ready to scramble at any moment. We can be ourselves now."

I sigh, "But that's the whole problem. I don't know who I am other than the person I've been for the last ten years. And even before I joined the team, I had Jinpei to care for. You, Joe, Ryu, you all had the chance to figure out who you were before we began training. You have your interests, hobbies, things you want to do. You've got your flying, Joe's already burning up the circuit with a vengeance, Ryu's working on his marina...even Jinpei seems to have some direction. I'm just stuck."

"I know we do, and it wasn't fair that you didn't have those chances too. You gave Jinpei the freedom to find his direction even while we were fighting but you never found your own. I'm sorry for that."

Ok, now I'm confused, "Why are you sorry? It wasn't your fault."

"It was at least partly my fault. I know how often you spent your free time helping me out or making sure I didn't fly off the handle on something, rather than doing something fun, and how hard you've worked at the J. I've lost count of the times I stayed there late talking to you about something that was on my mind or getting your take on a situation. I've leaned on you as much as or more than I've leaned on Joe throughout this whole mess and you never complained."

"Why would I? I never minded."

"But it kept you from doing things you might have wanted to do. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I should have talked Hakase out of letting you join the team." I can't resist giving him a swat for that remark and he yelps, "Hey! Look, I wouldn't trade having you at my side through all this crap for anything, but I feel guilty at times that you had to see all of that horror. You should have been free to have a life of your own, to be able to meet some guy who wouldn't have tried to ignore you for so long, who didn't pull all the shit I did on you."

Now he's making me mad, "Ken Washio, knock it off right now. I don't want any other guy and I never did. I love you and I wouldn't trade you, or any of the others, for the world. Just because I'm confused doesn't mean you're going to give yourself a guilt trip. I make my own decisions and I always have. You got that?"

He grins at me, which surprises me. Why do I get the feeling he just pulled one over on me? He confirms that suspicion a moment later with a smirk, "See, there's the Jun I know. You've never hesitated to put me in my place when I need it. I wasn't lying about feeling guilty at times but I knew it would piss you off to hear me say it. I know you make your own choices. That confidence is just one of the things I love about you. You're still the woman I love and you haven't lost anything. Now you just need to figure out what choice you want to make next. And I'll be beside you the whole way."

I finally smile at him and curl back into his side as we lapse into silence once more and he restarts the movie. I'm still not really watching it and couldn't even tell you the name. But this time, my thoughts are less chaotic than before. Ken's right, as he usually is; I am still the Swan. I don't have to search for her anymore because she never went away. She's still a part of me, still there for when I need her. Her going to the background doesn't mean she's gone. But now I can see another part of her, who she can be when she leaves the nest, the part that will be the civilian Jun from now on. I feel like I can face the world again and stretch my wings because I know that one thing will never change. I'll always have my family with me and for now, I guess that's as good a foundation to start a new life on as any.

The End


End file.
